I've always been a sucker for musicians. So no surprise when I found out the ONE GUY at my meeting that I felt interested in was a musician. In fact, I wasn't totally sure I was digging on him until I saw him sing. It was a beautiful gospel song and his voice was utterly amazing. It triggered a part of me that said "yup, it's on". He came over and talked to me afterwards and handed me his number telling me I could use it if I needed anything. I responded "Oooooh, are you hitting on me?" My friend nudged me "Girl, don't say that!"
Okay, stop. See, it's been over fifteen years since I've met someone sober. But my mouth still functions like that of an inebriated person. Drunk, can't you just hear it? "Ooooh, are you hitting on me?" What the fuck is that? I'm glad I have people around me cause I'd just keep functioning like a drunk if I didn't get some guidance on how to be normal.
Anyway, I called the musician and the first red flag came up. He asked me if he could come over and pray for me. I dried RIGHT up. I'm just getting into the spiritual aspects of my recovery and due to the religious abuse of my childhood it gave me the heebie jeevies (jeebies? What is it?). I brushed this off, actually, I declined the prayer but said I would be okay to hang out.
I also remembered that he had told me about his webpage. I looked him up and all of his samples were praise to Jesus gospel songs. Not one Stevie Wonder. No Motown. No Lionel Richie covers. Disappointed!
Regardless, the next day he came over and we had a good old time. Laughing about stupid shit like why people don't say EBT after they say "Snap!" Eating pizza and talking about our past lives. I started to forget about the weird prayer offer and foggy pictures that looked like they were from the eighties on his web page and started to humanize him again. It was going well. So well that two days later we made plans to go to a sporting event.
This is pretty much where the story comes to a close. We went to the event and stopped at Taco Bell on the way. When we got there we laid out a blanket to watch the runners, but first he made a prayer offering for our Doritos Tacos. I felt awkward, but like I was a shitty person for feeling awkward. I certainly felt like I wasn't going to be able to get turned on by this guy ever again.
So I found out some things about myself, that's good. Also, a word of advice to guys. Praying doesn't make you look like a good guy when you aren't being considerate enough to ask if your company if it's okay.
Also, NOT HOT.
Four months ago I discovered that my kids' dad had developed a meth addiction at 38 years old. This was right before Christmas, right before he usually flies out to see the kids. Suddenly, my child support payment started to slim down to nothing. Phone conversations and texts were bazaar and the timing would lapse sometimes for days to get an answer to a simple question. Even though he had excuses lined up none of it made sense. I asked him about drugs and he denied it to the grave. I asked him to take a drug test and he said "sure". His confidence translated to me as a "no". Also, to make things worse he had a new relationship with someone who had the means to support a comfortable meth addiction. A foreclosing house that she was not paying on and an inheritence.
In four months time I saw my ex go from holding down a good steady job for five years to being unemployed, losing his home, losing his car, losing his families respect and actually living in a tent on the days when he and his gf go through their manic tipping points.
I never wanted to try meth, heroine or crack. In all my partying I had been around those drugs, but the damage I saw alcohol do to people in a decade was only taking meth addicts a month to accomplish.
This has not made being clean and sober harder for me, it has made me stronger in my conviction because I'm watching the train wreck happen. I'm so glad that it's not me.
However, I'm drawn into the disease by wanting to control it from the outside. All the character defects I have are drawn to focus on fixing his addiction. Even though I know I'm not helping and ACTUALLY I'm making it worse I've been verbally berating him for the shitty father he is. I'm battling with an illusion. The illusion that he has control over this. The illusion that he is stupid, that he is plotting and planning all of this and that he thinks we are all fools. Addiction is a disease.
The right thing to do in this instance, I've studied, is to let them know you care, that you will be there for them when they are ready and to close the door. You have to protect yourselves from becoming enabling or better yet disabled by the addict. When they are ready they will be clean and sober. Ready does not mean they are saying they are ready, "ready" is a series of actions they have taken themselves to show you they mean business.
I know it should seem like second nature that an addict would know how to treat another addict. We forget. Part of our very own cycle was marked by an inability to recall why we stopped in the first place. This is why AA and Al-Anon are helpful, to remind us of the why's and how's. Most of each meeting we remind each other of what alcohol and drugs did to our lives that would be keeping us coming back.