If you're really an alcoholic then you're really an asshole too. The correlation is +100%. If you are getting sober and thinking back saying "well, I wasn't hurting anyone besides myself" then I suggest you stay in your room and try not to bother anyone. An alcoholic is like the epicenter of an earthquake. The big quake starts with you, but everyone around you feels it so in relation to dealing with conflict everyone in your life is just as shaken as you when there is something that needs to be addressed. You don't like conflict and they fucking know it.
"Drinking is the symptom, not the problem" and the problem generally lies in our psychotic cycle of self-pity, poor reactions and egocentric adolescence we never grew out of cause we started using or drinking instead of practicing normal development and conflict resolution. Instead of coming to mature resolutions like "One of the only things I have control over is my reaction" it was "he, she or it is making me so pissed off I couldn't help but throw that $4,000 keyboard out the front door" [or insert whatever INSANE action and justification you went with (in my defense he was a SELFISH ASSHOLE)] so soon enough we were creating problems to drink instead of drinking because of our problems.
There's a few conflict styles I've seen with alcoholics and just like any recovery process identifying them is the first step in the process of change. Here are a few I have encountered and a contrast with how a normal, mature healthy non "addict" OR the ideal might compare:
The Defender: This person is always ready to snap back and always has to come out on top. Appearing very argumentative, the defender typically has stockpiled a list of ammunition against anyone who might even vaguely criticize something they have done. Internally, nothing you say will effect their ego, if you continue to push them they will simply blame it on your jealousy, your lack of reason, your socioeconomic status and the fact that you are just out to get them.
The Salesman: This person doesn't get angry, but they are filled with justifications even OJ Simpson would envy. Always having to be right, the will run rhetorical laps around you until you leave in a tired complacency thinking okay, you win, I just need to get out of here.
The Passive Aggresser: Passive aggressively and publicly they admit to doing things that they suspect other people of doing, they have a I'm-better-than-everyone-because-I-can-admit-my-wrongs attitude. Instead of addressing a problem, they leave notes or gossip behind your back with the secret hope it's going to get back to you. Instead of asking you directly if you did something, they say "somebody is blankety blanking and I hate it!" right in front of you.
The Aggressor: This person charges like a bull at any suspicion even if false. Their imagination can take them to some pretty crazy places and they don't have the mental intervention to stop and tell themselves to calm down and check the facts. If you've wronged them, you will know it and their irrational rage may never allow them to reconsider or forgive. Trying to get this person to the point of reason can be a daunting task.
The Stutterer: This person obviously doesn't know how to just spit it out. They approach things with words like "may have" or "maybe possibly" or "could you maybe have". You know what they are implying, but obviously they are too bound by fear of conflict to engage in it so they are just doing perouettes on the outskirts.
Conflict is the beginning of consensus, coming to a common denominator that we can all be happy with and should be looked at as such. Too often we look at our differences with blame and resentment. So and so is not doing things like I would like them too so in effect they are wrong and I need to fix them. We feel anger that we have to fix things, we feel shafted that they can't read our mind, we feel superior that we know how to do things and other people do not which causes intolerance and hatred. On the other side, we feel oppressed by others that are casting expectations and judgement, we feel resentful of those who are trying to control us and make us adhere to their standards and we are threatened by almost any approach that demands change. A more healthy approach is solution oriented and realizing that change, although uncomfortable is not a bad thing. When approaching others the first thing to think about is your intentions and if they are to create a solution or they are intended to hurt, belittle or overpower them. It's amazing what kind of conversations can happen when driven by good intention.
Note: I am not a motivation speaker, just a hack psychology major with a drinking and thinking problem that over analyzes everything and would like to embody these suggestions, but most of the time has the emotional maturity of an otter pop.
When attempting to get sober, it's important to identify our lists of triggers. Some of these triggers are easy to identify like a hard day at work and subsequent reward. Others kind of evade us until that moment when we drive by a car of yodeling Mexican's and think "Okay, that's weird, but that just totally made me want to drive my car straight through the walls of the liquor store." Here are a list of some potential triggers that might not come to mind immediately, but if you think about them long enough you'll be calling for bail money.
1. Phone battery is at 1%. At 15% you told yourself you had time. At 5% you started to mildly panic. Now your phone is 1% and somehow you feel like Bruce Willis in Die Hard except you lack the tools to disarm the impending boom. You know you are on a serious countdown to being alone with the void your own mind and somehow you're only problem solving skill involves a drink which will end up being much more expensive and time consuming than finding a friend or a store with a charger.
2. Girl yelling "whoooo" in the distance. Mind: "Must be a girl partying. She sounds like she's having fun. I remember when I used to have fun like that. I can almost taste the Long Island now. Hmmm, I'm thirsty. Oh there's a bar over there. Okay, I'll just go have one." Game Over, do not pass Go, do not collect 200 anything except random numbers, scrapes and cuts.
3. Being told what to do by anyone. Mind: "Who do they think they are? Wow, they really need to work on their approach. No one tells me what to do." These are common thoughts you might have upon being told what to do by anyone. We don't take authority well and somehow this is news to us. There's no right way for anyone to approach us and give us instructions and they are just as apprehensive about doing it as we are receiving it which is why the whole thing came out so weird and tense.
4. Drinking something out of a brown bag. If you do this with anything but booze you will feel like Martin Short in Three Amigos when he goes to drink water out of his canteen and it's filled with sand. You will feel the thirst. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHVpJGXZ21o
5. Patio Dining. Mind: "Oh man, look at those people drinking over there having such a good time. No fair." Aaaaahhhhhhhhh! You may have to just run every time you see patio dining. Tell people you are a patio dining phobe. You'll actually look stupider getting drunk in the middle of the day at a lovely patio dining arrangement then just seriously belting every time you pass one.
6. The Real Housewives of anything, Big Brother, Dating Naked as well as several other reality shows. They are fighting. Drinking. Shopping. Drinking. Working out. Drinking. Travelling. Drinking. Suddenly, you feel like you know them and they are your best friends. Soon drinking seems like a normal part of life again and you've completely forgotten how you know the detox unit at the hospital on a first name basis.
7. Having your shit together and looking good. It seems like you should only be triggered when you are having a rough day, but now you have money to lose and weight to gain. Everything is great, but your mind whispers to you that the only thing you are missing is a drink...then you'd really be great. All I have to say is play the tape motherfuckers.
8. Church. All these good people make you want to be bad. Maybe not necessarily bad, but definitely not one of them. You feel more comfortable in a bar than church, more like you can express yourself. Church isn't about you and that also makes it difficult. Maybe church isn't for everyone and that is okay. For some of us it's just better to avoid.
9. Car problems. There's a reason triple A has two A's in it. Never go without it if you are planning on being sober for any substantial amount of time.
The following scripts are at this point only hypothetical. The titles are listed first and accompanied by the plot lines, on the rocks with a twist.
"Twin Peaks" - Two empty glasses sit a top a mountain of shaved ice, they are dripping wet with moisture. Suddenly a stream of pale ale splashes into the glasses climaxing with a luscious foam head.
"Sex on the Bitch" - A midget lady holds an over-sized margarita to enhance the size while a man licks it slowly like it's a cat bowl. The margarita glistens in the sun and the sound of slurping is all that can be heard.
"Straw Wars" - A bucket filled with Jungle Juice and twenty straws is presented to a room full of thirsty men. They all grasp for a straw and begin to feast, all fighting for their spot as the juice level rapidly drops.
"Of Ice and Men" - A polished highball is seen front and center with a single spotlight from above. The bartender walks up and in one hand scoops ice into the glass causing an acoustic explosion. The other hand shows a martini shaker tipping so as to release a downpour of neon green thirst quenching liquid splashing against the side and bursting over the top.
"Wet Your Whistle" - A majestic Ice sculpture with a shot luge takes a full on load of Grey Goose. As the liquid runs through the hollowed out slide, it whistles as if someone was rimming a wine glass. A woman puts her shiny red lips to the bottom and guzzles the refreshing liquid while some excess drips out the side down her chin.
You know what they say, it's okay to look just don't touch!
Writing this was indeed an exercise in discipline. I feel like I just put the catheter in cathartic. Please do not try this at home, I thought it was going to be funny (it's okay), but damn am I THIRSTY now. When this happens I grab a sugar filled Rock Star or some straight up chocolate. It helps!
Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash
10. You're a complete failure and so here take all my money.
9. You're a complete failure, but please don't take my money in the top drawer.
8. I have nominated myself to micromanage you and make sure you do everything correctly.
7. If you love me than you will not have another drink.
6. You had another drink even though I told you "If you love me you will not have another drink" so you must hate me.
5. Drinks on me!
4. So you can't just be like normal?
3. It's okay that you ruined the quincenera by shooting the pinata with a .22 caliber rifle and shitting on the cake, just don't do it again.
2. I'll murder you if you don't drink so you may as well drink because you want to anyway and now you can be alive drunk instead of dead sober.
1. You are a disappointment to your mother.
"Having a drink is like throwing a rock and expecting it to hit you in the face"
"One down means five to go."
"FEAR is just an acronym for Faith Eating Amoeba Regime"
"Be on top of your game or bottom's up!"
"Drinkin' reminds me of drinkin'."
"Speak clear or beer enter here." (point to mouth)
"Talking about drinking is like having a drink spilled on your subconscious."
"Next time you want a drink think 'What would I do if I was the me in the now, but the future me who was me made me past me so I could see how future me is able to quit."
"If you can't manage your drink than you'll always drink to manage."
"Take a load off or get loaded."
"Get lit or get enlightened."
"God's road is never closed for repairs."
I've gone one year without a sip of A-hol, a puff of reef or a tablet of anything. I used to take whatever passed under my nose, but my main vice has always been alcohol. There is something about drinking that drives my chemicals wild. The term "lit" is one that I understand. One sip and I'm "lit up" like an amusement park. I don't get drowsy or tired, I perk right up, get mounds of energy and can go all night.
My story is like this.... I was actually born into a Mormon family where I didn't see a whole lot of booze or anything growing up. It just wasn't something I thought much about or had curiosity towards. What I did have though was spiritual, emotional, verbal and sexual abuse in my home. By the time I was a teenager I was planning suicide daily. I couldn't escape the feeling that I was not loved and my life was not valuable. I had developed an eating disorder to try and control what I could and believed if only I was skinny enough that people would come to love me. I was starving myself, taking laxatives, on the track team running five miles daily and in weight training classes. When I was about sixteen I started to break away from my family and the church. I had always acted out, but my acting out went to the extreme when I ran away from home, shaved my head and got several piercings. That made me feel a bit of relief. I started smoking pot when I was nineteen and had a perception shift. For the first time in my life I made friends that I deeply connected with and smoking weed helped open my eyes to other ways of perceiving things. Up until then I was dealing with what I now see as chronic depression, but THC gave me the chemical shift I needed to experience real joy and to see that it was actually possible to be happy. I became a daily smoker pretty instantaneously. A lot happened during this time. I got married to a man that I had a wonderful relationship with. We were both messed up in our own right and the relationship had some toxic elements, but at the human level we had true love for each other. He started to develop an allergy to weed which had become a big part of my life. Instead, he switched to alcohol which drove me crazy. There were times in the end I was finding him passed out on the lawn and such. I was also starting to put one foot out and eventually cheated on him. Our relationship was also haunted by the issues I carried with me from the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. I was paranoid, controlling, jealous, reactionary, etc. He was very kind to me and often enabled my tantrums and episodes. Anyway, when that relationship ended is when I moved in with a girlfriend and my drinking slowly started to spike.
This is kind of hard to write about. I still find that some things are triggering to me.
But then I remember how my sobriety ended last time. One drink and I felt like I was back to the "real me" and wondering why in the hell I'd ever gotten sober in the first place. Then another ten year drinking span... Trying to avoid that.
Anyway, I started drinking with a lot of people. There was always someone to party with any day of the week. I discovered day drinking and thought the guy that introduced me was a genius. I started taking cups to work. Soon I was the one introducing others to my favorite bar tenders and to deviant drinking. My drinking came first above all else. I realized that no one could hurt me and if they did I'd take a shot. I realized that if I was lonely I could walk into a bar. I also saw that I could hustle and get things by hanging out with drunk guys, which also meant I was having a lot of promiscuous sex. The sex was mostly good and times were roaring and I felt cool, well-liked and with rock solid self-esteem.
Problems followed of course. I got pregnant, had to take a paternity test because I wasn't sure whose he was. I didn't want a child, but my mom hated me out of having an abortion. I lost my license and car and walked my ass to doctor's appointments with the shame of passing by neighbors who knew me as the party girl and the pregnancy looked like a joke. My boyfriend left me when my son was a year old. I was already experiencing bad post-partum and my obsession for my bf left me in a dark place feeling like I couldn't go on. Now I had a child I didn't want. I moved places because I couldn't stand to see the things we shared together. Both my child and I had a seizure in the following two months...his from a high fever, mine from what I believed was a broken heart, but probably alcohol withdrawal as well. A counselor over prescribed Clonazapan so I started taking those regularly while drinking. This combo lead me to go crazy and check myself into rehab. In treatment I did everything they encouraged, got my license back, but secretly planned on drinking better when I got out. When treatment ended I moved into a sober living house. Within three days I was walking in the doors drunk and getting the boot. I moved in with a guy I met at AA and caused him to relapse. We went into a full drinking spree all this time while I had my son. He managed to keep his job even though we were throwing back caseloads of beer. All throughout this time I had come to love my son and was trying to keep him away from the craziness as much as possible, dropping him off at his grandma's, etc. Trying to do fun things with him and teach him. That change occurred in treatment.
That relationship didn't last long, within a half a year things went sour and he had me evicted. Without family to go with, we moved into a homeless shelter for a month. Instead of feeling pity and like I had hit rock bottom I decided to "make it fun" by sneaking drinks into the facility and my son's father joined us with his guitar.
For a long time this attitude of minimizing the bad and "making things fun" was my special way of making alcohol fit in my life. I really believed it was helping me even though when I look back none of this would have even happened had I not taken that first drink.
My life continued to spiral out f control. I moved to Cali with my kids dad, got pregnant again. This pregnancy I drank through as my relationship with the kids father deteriorated. We lived together than broke up, moved back in together than broke up. Eventually, I moved out for good, but I was pregnant again.
Honestly, my story is much longer than this...much more detailed. There were MANY, MANY instances of waking up in Motorcycle shops or on church front lawns. Instances where I didn't remember how I got home. Roommates angry because I'd depleted their alcohol and replaced it with water. There were more relationships, more men. STD's and testing. Thousands of black outs...and that is not an exaggeration. Through it all I learned to be alone and lean on a drink to carry me.
Flash forward to a year ago. February 26 I received a call from my mom in Utah saying that my brother-in-law did not return home from a trip where he flew my niece and nephew out to southern Arizona. He was supposed to have been home at ten o'clock and my pregnant sister woke up to silence. Teams were sent out to search for him. A nail biting two days went by where we hoped for the best, but secretly the worst was plaguing our subconscious minds. When they found the plane there were no survivors. My heart shattered and pain greater than labor filled my body.
I didn't drink that day. I cried and held my kids and shook in disbelief. Days went by where I wasn't thinking about drinking. I also thought a lot about my sister and the strength it was going to take her to go on and live her life. I went back to Utah, drove with my kids to go be with them. There were some slip ups, but I decided to pull from my sisters strength and see if I could go on without a drink. I knew it was negatively effecting my life I think at some deep level. I just said I would try. I hung out at a step house in the beginning almost full time. Did the meeting thing. Any time I wanted to have a drink I thought about my sister and her new baby and how she was living and dedicated to doing it with the worst possible withdrawal and craving one can experience, the need to hold your children. My children have become my everything. They were already important, but now they are the absolute reason. I can't erase my past and the mistakes I've made, which are magnanimous, I can only try and not be the person I was. I can try and be great which sometimes I get down on myself thinking there's too much damage.
It also helps that I met a sober friend and moved in with her. I knew I needed help being accountable. No one ever knows what exactly is going to help one addict or another. It seems to be a matter of timing and luck.
Thanks for reading my story, hopefully it will enlighten someone :)
Top Photo by Moss on Unsplash
Bottom Photo Me
Many people think of the true alcoholic as an isolationist, a person that has gotten so over-the-top that they must hide their consumption from the world. It may be true that eventually a great number of alcoholics will get to the point of drinking alone and in secret, but a multitude of times the isolationist started out as a party drinker. Also, just because you don't isolate does not mean you don't have a problem.
This is one aspect I struggled with. Although I drank alone without issue (cause I drank all of the time) I also did a fair amount of drinking around others and in a party atmosphere. I assumed that this was considered normal drinking in my twenties. Some people can over consume for a period and stop abruptly and some cannot. I've seen friends that I partied HARD with go on to get Ph.D's and live sober lives. I've also seen a number of my friends develop pancreatic problems, liver problems and be in the constant in-and-out rehab cycle. I guess looking back there were some indications if my friends were going to continue to abuse alcohol past a reasonable party period. A big indicator was blacking out. All of the people I know who used to black out from drinking went on to become full blown alcoholics. Also, the friends of mine that had a fascination and obsession with alcohol; ones that seemed defined by their partying and assumed it as a part of their identity. Another big one is the need to go out so that they could justify having another night of drinking.
There are labels that warn us that drinking can negatively effect us as women if we are pregnant, but what about warning someone that they may become an alcoholic? I didn't even consider that my fun drinking would lead to an inability to quit. I was not raised around alcohol and may have been a bit naive, but I've also talked to people who weren't as sheltered and still felt immune from the disease. I think it's important to know that if you are in a party period or thinking it's normal to drink to excess you may already be in the throws of an addiction.
These are especially helpful for newcomers.
1) The people are wearing white hats that look like the AA logo.
2) It's being held in a court room.
3) The first person who talks says "My story is like a lot of yours, I started shooting up at 7."
4) Your mom is there.
5) Halfway into someone's story, you realize the person they are referring to that slept with their husband is you. (Exit stage left)
6) There's no coffee.
7) A guy says to you, "Hey lady, wanna be my sponsor? I'm working on step 13 as we speak."
8) The meeting hall has a sign on the front that reads "Liquor Store". Dope, you did it again!
9) Everyone inside is older than Jack nuts and refers to themselves as "Old timers". Run!
10) There's alligators on tiny trampolines. Coordinated ones that can exist without food or water.
Awhile back I started reading a book called "Anatomy of Peace". My sister sent this book to me because it helped her and she was nice enough to want to pay it forward. The book is written by two Psychologist, one a Jew and the other Muslim, both from Israel. The book goes into some detail about their history and how each side had battled the other for the holy land and left the after taste of revenge. In one section it goes on to explain justification and that when we, ourselves, do something crooked or ethically off track we have to look out at the world as crooked to justify (or make straight) our intentions. I didn't agree with all of the theories this book presented, but this one in particular rang true with reality as I know it.
For instance when I was drinking and my sister sent me this book I cynically assumed it was some kind of hint. I was in such a selfish state of thinking that it was beside me to accept the fact that someone just wanted to do something kind. We often think of this kind of justification as projection. I like the word justification for the purpose of explaining why we, as alcoholics, must make the world crooked and distorted to ensure we are always right.
The analogy works because many times we were physically off kilter, I guess you could say as well. Trying to make a world straight when we couldn't even stand upright.
I must say I have some good qualities, but I'll tell you right now I am not the poster child for honesty. That is one thing I've discovered I can be honest about. At least until I'm willing to accept and examine myself in totality. Admitting we are alcoholics is the first lie we untangle in the process of getting sober. This reality can take people a lifetime to recognize. It is essentially saying that we should not EVER drink. We have to admit that if we do, it's a pretty insane and wrongful idea knowing what we know about our reaction to it.
Since I struggled to be honest with the discovery that I could not handle alcohol, instead of committing to not do it, I moved to a stage of telling myself that honesty is not that important. I then start justifying the world to match my distortion thinking such as "the next time I'm with a guy I don't want to know everything about him, I don't want to know if he's dishonest or does something to ruin the relationship." What does this say about me?
Don't answer that. I'd rather be right.
Hopefully, this inspires you to think about your crooked thinking that effects how you view the world. The benefit is that you can change how you view yourself and how the world responds to you simply by getting real, humanizing others, having love and formulating compassion. You can also learn what your main issues are and write them down. Practice having love for all of your flaws as well.
I've always been a sucker for musicians. So no surprise when I found out the ONE GUY at my meeting that I felt interested in was a musician. In fact, I wasn't totally sure I was digging on him until I saw him sing. It was a beautiful gospel song and his voice was utterly amazing. It triggered a part of me that said "yup, it's on". He came over and talked to me afterwards and handed me his number telling me I could use it if I needed anything. I responded "Oooooh, are you hitting on me?" My friend nudged me "Girl, don't say that!"
Okay, stop. See, it's been over fifteen years since I've met someone sober. But my mouth still functions like that of an inebriated person. Drunk, can't you just hear it? "Ooooh, are you hitting on me?" What the fuck is that? I'm glad I have people around me cause I'd just keep functioning like a drunk if I didn't get some guidance on how to be normal.
Anyway, I called the musician and the first red flag came up. He asked me if he could come over and pray for me. I dried RIGHT up. I'm just getting into the spiritual aspects of my recovery and due to the religious abuse of my childhood it gave me the heebie jeevies (jeebies? What is it?). I brushed this off, actually, I declined the prayer but said I would be okay to hang out.
I also remembered that he had told me about his webpage. I looked him up and all of his samples were praise to Jesus gospel songs. Not one Stevie Wonder. No Motown. No Lionel Richie covers. Disappointed!
Regardless, the next day he came over and we had a good old time. Laughing about stupid shit like why people don't say EBT after they say "Snap!" Eating pizza and talking about our past lives. I started to forget about the weird prayer offer and foggy pictures that looked like they were from the eighties on his web page and started to humanize him again. It was going well. So well that two days later we made plans to go to a sporting event.
This is pretty much where the story comes to a close. We went to the event and stopped at Taco Bell on the way. When we got there we laid out a blanket to watch the runners, but first he made a prayer offering for our Doritos Tacos. I felt awkward, but like I was a shitty person for feeling awkward. I certainly felt like I wasn't going to be able to get turned on by this guy ever again.
So I found out some things about myself, that's good. Also, a word of advice to guys. Praying doesn't make you look like a good guy when you aren't being considerate enough to ask if your company if it's okay.
Also, NOT HOT.