Welcome to my personal ad, I'll try to entertain you as well as provide enough information about myself that you might make an educated decision so as to see if we might be a good fit. My name is Cory and I work as a contract web developer. Since I spend a lot of time at home, I prefer to meet someone that has a job where they are gone frequently. It's just become my opinion that spending too much time together wears thin on any relationship so that is my preference. I'd like to meet a lady that has her shit together, no drugs or excessive drinking. I like intelligence. Hmmm, what else? Well, a few years ago I took a fall when I was uninstalling the Dish on my roof and sustained a pretty significant injury. My back developed a scaly infection due to the pus filled orb that kind of hung from the center and attached somewhere between my shoulder blades and where my ass meets my lower back. It was the first case where doctor's saw an actual exoskeleton that had developed on a human being. It's not a big deal, I just have to have a bag strapped to my leg that needs to be filled with preservation fluid every six hours and have a metal viewing device strapped to my face that looks like an optometrist diagnostic machine. Other than that I'm totally mobile and ready to party! I'm an open book so let me know if you have any questions.
I see all these people taking time to get to know each other and then things don't work out, can we just cut the crap already and get married? I'm ready to get married...you? That's my ice breaker. You'd be surprised how many people get offended by this. I'm like "If that offends you then that tells me that you are just not the right fit for me." After that I go into the bathroom and cry for a half hour. It would be nice to have someone to cry on, but if you say "yes" I might not need it anymore :) I mean I'd be willing to get married just to set a new record, can you imagine the headline "Couple gets married after knowing each other for twenty seconds", wouldn't that be cool? Let's get married just as a joke and then we can stay married to make the joke even more ironic and funny. I'll quit my job if you're willing to do that with me, hell, I might even start getting pregnant so we can blow this thing out of the water. Fuck dating, I want to get married. You down?
Why men assume that because I have 421 cats that I'm "mentally unable" is a mystery to me. Did you know that cats make wonderful band aids? No, not like the latex one's you silly, more like when you have a baby to repair your broken relationship...that kind of band aid. See now we have cats together and with the handicapped conjoined twin cats we've adopted we would literally have to break them apart if we separated to have our equal share. I would like a cat nip pre-nup, a pre-nip I guess we could say. That stuff ain't cheap. You know what is really expensive though? Surgically separating conjoined cats, I've looked it up and even in Mexico it's nothing short of $4,000. Why are we talking about this now? I feel like this is the time we should have getting to know each other and sharing all of our cat related expenses. If you want to know how a girl is going to treat a man, look at how she treats her cats. I mean I'm not trying to clip your nails with my teeth or perform minor laceration surgery on you, but the good stuff like feeding you (the way to a man's heart is through his stomach and I'm sure your taste buds are revving up right now), brushing your hair, rolling on the ground, giving you a cute name like "Cuddle Butter"...not every girl is going to be like that. Plus I will never, ever, ever, never, ever leave you. That's what me and my cats call a pinky pwomise, but the cats don't have pinky's so I knitted mittens for them that just have pinky's and not thumbs. No, but seriously, I've put some serious thought into my cats. Sometimes I go cross eyed from looking at the pile of cats on my bed and I can literally make it seem like some of their bodies go with other heads, it's fun.
Anyway, what I am looking for is a guy that has money, takes care of himself (I could use the help) and is stable. If you have cats that is a plus, my apartment is up to capacity, but I just stack em.
Shout out to all the single peeps, my name is Najat and I'm looking for a friend possibly more. I identify as Arabian, but I was born Caucasian hence the title Assigned White At Birth. My old name was Jen, but when I transitioned I took on a new name that I felt better suited my given race. I've always felt more exotic than my peers, more worldly. Also, I'm a big fan of Gigi Hadid who is half Arabian, unlike me who claims full heritage. The way I feel is that I was not able to choose who I was born to which is really quite unfair when you think about it. So I have Assigned Race At Beginning which I am currently battling in court to change on my official birth records. I have ARAB to Arab instead of the AWAB that I was just having to deal with. Also, I consider myself a cisgender as I observe that I behave according to my birth sex. I'm looking for a pansexual that wants to meet for coffee and maybe listen to all of my complex personality traits. Most likely a woman, I find women have greater tolerance for understanding the long list of things that offend me.
Hi guys, my name is Leebrah and guess what? I was born on Halloween! Yes, I am a Libra. Kind of kills the "What's your sign?" pick up line (FYI it's outdated anyway...if that's all you can muster up, move along! Us Libra's like creativity and being engaged in conversation) HOWEVER, I seem to be on this dating streak where I meet the guy, we have dinner or drinks or coffee and not ten minutes in he literally starts talking about his ex-girlfriend or his past sexual partners or all manners of CRAZY experiences he's had. I'm like "Slow down, all I asked was if you like Mexican food or not."
So guys out there, imagine you are on my end of this deal. I'll give you an example of the last guy I went out with. Met on Plentyofflakes.com and decided to meet at this Chinese restaurant close to my place. He meets me at the hostess stand...nice guy, wonderful smile..I'm in good spirits. We sit down, chat for a few. Enjoy some commentary back and forth about the menu items, talk about cooking, what we've tried, etc. It was like the first chance he got he segue's into saying how his ex girlfriend never let him cook. I'm thinking okay he has an ex girlfriend, good to know. But then it was like every topic that came up he related to her and how they did things so now I'm thinking he's really not over this relationship. I'm also thinking the guy has no personal identity that doesn't have to do with her and he's just looking for the next scapegoat for all of his problems. The guy before him got into blatant details about his sex life including, but not limited to ages, sizes, specific talents, quantity of times, quantity of people, quality of organs, piercing status and on an on.
So from now on guys, I'm showing up with a non-disclosure agreement. An agreement that states you are not allowed to speak of ex's, sexes, crazy life stories that don't include something heroic, nothing negative, no mental illness, no deep family conversations, convictions, accidents and a number of other items. Let's keep it light for awhile, stay in the moment. Please put your favorite mexican food in the subject line of your email :)
Heard there's four degrees of separation between you, me and Kevin Bacon so let's make like Bronson Pinchot and Mark Lynn-Baker and role play some cousin action. You: the cousin adopted out to Saudi Arabian royalty and me the Americanized bad boy. We discover we're cousins at study abroad and the tension from having to refrain is too much for us to ward off. We can be cousin Larry and Balki, evil cousins, we can play cheaper by the dozens of cousins as long as we're kissing cousins. Making out with a real cousin is gross, please don't answer this ad cousin Meredith (I know I'm making some good points here and since you've totally blocked me on your phone I'm hoping this gets through to you finally so we can continue the relationship we had before you closed mindedly went on ancestry dot com and figured out our dna is matched almost animo acid to amino acid). You know, the Olive Garden claims when you are there you're family and I've made out with every girl I took there so what's the big dif?! Diversity's for losers. Those eharmony folks are matched on 9 levels, we got thousands! Who else is gonna give you a liver when you've done drinking yourself into oblivion from your life choice to ignore your gut? These are some really good questions Meredith. Maybe in a few years we'll be like the Carpenters and be able to harmonize completely or the beach boys and be able to read each others minds. If you are reading this ad right now I'd say we are already in sync. That should be your answer right there. Come on, unblock me!
Been trolling this site for some time and waiting for the right opportunity to break out in character. Hello, my name is Marla. Let's see who do I want to be today? It's a personal ad, right? I could be a doctor or I could really go out on a limb, so to speak, and be the Scoot Boot guy that keeps reinjuring himself after drinking Keystone Light. I mean at least if I pretended to be him there would be no let down when we meet in person. It can really only go up from there. I'm impressed by the people that come on here and talk about doing all these weird sex positions. You literally have a chance to build yourself up in all of these ways...you could say you just got back from broadcasting a culinary program on the moon, but instead you've decided to be the most downgraded version of yourself that anyone could possibly even dream of. It's oddly inspiring. So today instead of saying I have a GED, am a bank teller and live in a studio apartment and go to school part time at the community college, I'll just say I'm a Furry enthusiast. I like to dress up in furry character costumes, it gets me off. Sometimes I like to go as a centaur, I guess you could say I'm only a part-time furry (hahaha). Centaur jokes, right? That really hit me below the waist. Anyway, enough horsing around...let's horse directly...right now, my pad. Not into stampede's, one at a time please and hooves optional.
Position Desired: Directly behind your cuddly butt with my arm draped over your side and my scruff nestled between your collarbone and chin. Company: Yes, yours and yours only. Strengths: Lifting you up when you are down like Patrick Swayze does with Baby in Dirty Dancing. Weaknesses: If I said "Your Smile" that would definitely be weak on my part so instead I'll just point out that I'm two steps ahead, hence my weakness has become a strength. Salary Requirements: Throw me a bone every once in awhile. Job Experience: I was in a four year relationship that ended when my ex fiance decided she needed to find herself. I told her the first place she could look was a bag I have in my closet marked "Used". Yes, I was tattered and worn for some time. I fell off the wagon like Bukowski, wandered the streets murmuring her name...but experience...yes, I have four years of experience. I'm open to interview for any level of top management, however. I would like to be the CEO (Chief Elected Officer) of your heart.