I’ve heard that people with ADD take uppers and it somehow balances out their crazy biological amphetamines. So if those with hyperactivity take speed than people with depression should be able to take some kind of depressant, right?
For instance, alcohol. Although alcohol may be the perfect depressant for the job, I’ve discovered that there are some side effects that may not suit a functional lifestyle such as: stealing a car from the local church, picking up the wrong kid from the wrong daycare, casually trying meth cause you thought it was bath salts at the time and actually the list goes on. The list goes on and branches out into several other limbs. Judicial limbs. I wanted to set out to find an alternative (and get off alcohol) so I started to explore more natural depressing options for treating depression.
The first one I tried was going to a Baptist church. I’ve heard that spirituality can help people with all kinds of diseases and mental disorders so I chose the most depressing church I could think of (besides Jehovah’s witness because it wasn’t readily available). My depression criteria went like this: Does the church hand out hateful gay bashing leaflets? Do they shun you if you decide Jesus is not your savior? Is hell generally brought up in regular topics ranging from super bowl commercials all the way down to gas prices? All the answers were yes, so in I went. People were friendly, almost too friendly. In order to make this work I could see I was going to have to implement some biases and distortions of my own to taint my experience. After a month of going and talking to no one, I felt my depression was at a stand still. It seemed most of the time I spent angry at the pastor and thinking about how nice a cold beer sounded.
The second attempt to depress myself out of depression I decided I was going to become a hipster. Maybe if I could act “as if” I could go so far on the depression scale it would wrap around to being ultimately happy. Like right wing fascism runs into left wing communism. The problem I ran into is that being a hipster takes an ungodly amount of work, time and money. Just getting the dumpy look right took several hours and then going down the obscure-band with obscure-name rabbit hole not only took time, but a great deal of memorization. You don’t want to be caught cross-referencing a band on your iPhone. The thought of all this work was depressing but not enough, I found, to make me happy.
At this time I thought for sure my only option was going back to a fifth of gin or a handful of Benzo’s.
Then I found Reddit Roastme.
R/Roastme showcases regular people who take selfies that they post in order to receive bashing criticism about their looks and surroundings. For instance the first guy was a bearded man in his late fifties. The first comment I saw was “When you use your logging tool to bludgeon your victims, it puts a whole new meaning to Axe body spray.” I read down the column and one by one the roast got more insightful. One person wrote a long poignant roast about a pale redhead “Your natural ginger hair shows thru that bottle of dollar store brand hair dye. Since you have no soul, does your skin start burning when you walk into a church? Does the holy water start boiling over, then evaporate into the floor? If the answer is yes to both questions then contact your local diocese. You remind me of those actors from the Twilight movies but without the talent or good looks. No amount of glittery glistening skin could make your ugly mug attractive.” Another told a girl who is writing a novel that it would “sell as well as a Hilary Clinton fleshlight”. Slowly, but surely I was able to focus on something other than the selfish thoughts of how bad my life is. I was able to look outward and focus on how bad I felt about the lives of others. I’ve been happily contributing to r/Roastme for six months now and been anti-depressant free.
So in short, and I should mention here I’m not a doctor so all of what I’m writing here is a doctor’s worst nightmare, my method is simply taking some cockamamie idea and finding exactly what it is that depresses you so that you can balance out your depression and live a life of fulfillment!
Try Reddit Roast…