Alcoholics, wanna-be drug dealers, unemployed musicians, mama's boys and men with general anger management disorders this is your chance! My name is Stella and I have an opening for one loser as I had to fire my last right hand loser. Correction...he quit. Once you come on board you'll see that it is very difficult to get fired. Due to implied laws like the cost-sunk fallacy you will be guaranteed a position as a full time investment. I am ready and willing to invest everything I have to see that you become the superior bf I know you can be! And I will chase that dream to the bitter end. The only qualifications you need to possess are: Narcissistic personality disorder, a drive for self-preservation above all, no moral character, extensive gas lighting abilities with sociopath tendencies. You will also be charismatic, witty and the life of the party.
Geez, I think the men I date are the problem, but when it comes down to it I just want a puppet show that is good in bed. That's really actually pretty shallow. I'm sure there's a lot of good men out there shaking their heads wondering why I keep going for all these jokers cause I'm such a catch. Don't you see how shallow I am? Any guy who wants me isn't seeing me for who I truly am and is pretty shallow too. It's just a huge shallow pyramid of people that want people more shallow then them.
What are your preferences? Shallow losers that know how to fuck are mine. NM, don't answer this ad, I need help.
Isn't that all speed dating is anyway? If you can only last 30 seconds in a convo that's gonna make me question how long you're gonna last other places. I'm not interested in speed marrying or speed procreating so why is it so important to bust out the dating process? I'm not looking for a quick fix to my loneliness. A fast courtship is gonna lead to a fast break eventually, that's what my life's wisdom has taught me. If you are Speedy Gonzalez before I know it you're just Speedy Gone-all-togeths.
As a woman I want to get to know you, pick your brain. That's why men like speed dating. IMO men are scared, and rightfully so, that we are going to uncover some dark secret, realize they aren't all that or generally F everything up if they talk to us for longer than 30 seconds. I hate to break it to you men, but 1 out of the 4 guys that I talked to when I tried speed dating couldn't even last that long! One guy told me about his erectile dysfunction, another bored me to death talking about his golden retriever, one admitted he had a drinking problem without even saying those words and there were more.
Speed dating must've been created by a man cause one thing women value is quality time. If you are looking for a friend, partner, someone to talk to then let's take the time to get to know each other. Otherwise, you can get your quickie from someone else.
I heard these girls at the mall talkin bout how they was lookin for a snack and shit no lie they be talkin' bout a man! M'kay, first off none a these bitches look like they had anything BUT a snack in months yaknowhati'msayin and second off okay listen, momma ain't lookin' for no snack over heah. I ain't shoppin' for no lunchables, I ain't lookin for no snack packs....uh uh. I need a straight up dinner, m'kay. Ya'll can have your snack attack and go get yourself somethin' off the dollar menu at McDonald's like extra crispy or whatever and one tiny little pickle. No thank you. Meanwhile, I be DINING, yes dinin' on a full banquet mmmm. Not like an Oprah banquet neither...there will be bread. So essentially I am looking for a D-I-N-N-E-R, like a real one, Applebee's or Red Lobster. IF YOU ARE A SNACK...then somebody lookin' for you outside the TJ Maxx. I want to look you up and down, lick my lips and be like "That man is a dinner roll, first course, second course, third and fourth". Go look in the mirror and what do you see? You see a pile of crackers and dipstick, little bit of cheese on the side or do you see a bacon wrapped filet? If the answer is the bacon wrapped filet then we in business, K? Put Applebee's in the subject line so I know you ain't no snack.
Hoping there is some woman here that enjoys her feet meat caressed, stroked and worshiped. Please have your feet meat prepped and clean. If you are the type of woman that gets pedicures every month than this is an entirely compatible situation. All I'm asking is that I am able to take several pictures of your feet meat, put them on a pedestal with candles and tenderize them with the finest of oils. I do not have any personal references (I was asked that in response to my last ad, sorry). I have a job sorting mail, but while I am checking for postal code errors and missing information I am daydreaming about glistening feet meat. Sometimes a co-worker will break my trance asking if I am taking a break and I will usually snap at him, "Of course I'm taking a break, it's paid for isn't it?"
I don't want to think about my co-worker right now, he's a fucking idiot. I'd much rather indulge in the fantasy of your feet meat massaging my neck like hands. I have very large hands btw, great for tenderizing. I am dying to ravage the feet meat of a lost princess, please your highness let me have a feast!
My name is Annie and I am going through a divorce. I am divorcing the lord. For thirty years I have been dedicated to service and had a commitment to celibacy, but now I'm celiba-free and I can't wait to try the buffet! Being married to the lord has it's perks, he's a wonderful listener! If your love language is quality time than you got a real winner. And gifts! Oh the wonderful gifts he will give you! However, if you're like me and your love language is compliments, well, he's not much for words (And I sure as H-E double hockey sticks wasn't getting any compliments dressed in that glorified garbage sack). I'd like to be able for once in my life lift a hem of my skirt, show some leg and hear a little "Hubba-hubba" every once in awhile. I'd like to have the awesome experience of walking past a group of construction workers and hearing one of them holler "Hey sister, you got it goin' on!" And not referring to me as sister because we are all spiritually related, but as some kind of demeaning come on. I'm getting excited at the pure thought. I'm sorry, not pure...
I'm breaking out into the world of online dating because one of the gentiles in my congregation, a young and colorful gal, mentioned this is where people explore potential suitors (She didn't quite put it in those words). Once again, my name is Annie and I'm ready to take off this habit and try on some others for size.
Oh man, here goes. My name is Celeste and I'm trying to give this online thing another chance. I've gone on a few dates with some of the guys I met here and not so good. The first guy was named Booter Scoot or something like that. Where do I start...the fact that he kept referring to me as cookie puss or that we had to call triple A cause he drunk drove his Rascal scooter into a pothole. Two weeks later I went out with this guy named Shane that was obsessed with evacuation and I'm not talking about emergency preparedness. And he wasn't talking about a game show when he said he wanted to see what was behind door number 2. Not a great pick up line! It might have been better than asshole Alan's though who commented that I look like "a prenup model". Ron invited me back to his place as we walked out of Applebee's and before I could decline, opened the back door to his 1985 class C RV in the parking lot. Is that supposed to be some kind of loophole? What is wrong with you guys?
And what is wrong with me that I am on here? Is there something I'm missing beside's lame one-liners? I must just be a glutton for punishment.
My pronoun is Zimzoo and I am a crossgender tranny fluid liquid queer. If you don't know what that means Google it and then Google it again. If you refer to me as just Zim I will Yelp review your whole family. If you would like to understand me, go to a gun range and watch one of the roaming targets. I am that gun. I absolutely do not support the use of guns, however, so no gun supporters within my range, ifyouknowhatimean? I've been dating a lot of cisgender jingadoodles, but I'm also into Binjan-free Juxtagenitals. If you are not pro nouns, then you are against them is what I like to say. And if you are not pro-nouns then what are you really? Mind blown!
Please be readily offended by anything and everything. If this article offends you then we might just be a match. Write Zim in the subject line and bullet points about all of the things in this article that turned you off.
Scoot here or Scooter S. or Mr. Boot or Mr. Roboot. Been asleep for awhile, but I woke up today to the rooster cock-a-doodle doodling this mornin'. Last time I threw up an ad, one of the gals asked me if Scooter Boot is an exclusive club for members (at least I thought it was a gal, might've been one of those internet spiders...my friend Joe "Dung Dong" Hansen said there's crawlers in the websites...that must be where the 'web' comes from, I ain't dumb). Anyhoo...no ladies, this club is elite, but we don't turn anyone down no matter how large or poor. Scooter Boot, LLC is equal opportunity and I got a member ship for any dock or any bay. Come sign up today!
I got machines that will work out your outters, inners for amateurs OR beginners. We can start out slow and then work our way up. The last relationship I had that started out slow, well, we were in jail the next day wearing each others clothes with three different drug charges. My point is that it might be better if we start out fast and go from there. My last relationship was fantastic and I have all the references you need. The relationship with my attorney, I mean, my last few divorces were total shit shows. I don't want to go off on a negative tangent and ruin my buzz so let's end on a high note. I'm planning on the doodle-doo wakin' me up tomorrow too, so whyncha give me another reason ta get up in the mornin' ;)
My last gf was a pos, so be better than her. Straight up, I'm overly NOT in-touch with my feelings. If I even hear someone mention feelings I just wanna take their ears with my two hands and bash their skull on my knee. I'm a tough guy, not in the trying-out-nunchuks-in-the-mirror sense....like a real tough guy. Spinach for breakfast and all that. I go to the gym like I'm taking a bath, real regular. Baths are for pussy's too. I only take showers. My last girlfriend said I used to hit her. She's right. Can't wait to find the next "It girl" so I can hit her too. I've been accused of being a misogynist...I don't discriminate, I'll hit you too. I told my ex if she didn't like violence than she needed to get out of the kitchen. Then when she came in the living room I was like "What are you doing b****, I told you I wanted a club panini, get back in that damn kitchen!" The guy she's with now looks like he takes baths all day, not only does he look like he couldn't stand up for himself in front of a scare crow, he's all wrinkly and old. Whatever floats her boat (in his lavender scented bubble bath) I guess.
Anyway, the girl I'm looking for likes to be hit, she likes frequent apologies and intermittent bouts of pure degradation. Is this you? Good. Tell me about yourself, anything but your feelings. I know you are out there thinking this is just the asshole I need in my life.
Been dating casualty and now that I'm getting older I'm looking for something a little more serious. My name is Jenna and I am looking for someone who is anelliptical like myself. My favorite passed time is having conversuations with a partner about politicks or religeon. I'm a conservative btw so anyone extremably libral is probably not going to be my cup of tea. Some of the activiteas I enjoy are: watching Steve Wilko, over purchasing pantry items, line dancing, leather, saluting and praying. I'm a sirtified math-a-magician...I work as a cashier at a popular growsorry store. Althoe my job seems simple, it's very inlightning and I get to meat tons of people every day. Get lots of comments about how I'm to smart to be having this job, but it pays the bills. For now I'd just like to have someone to talk to deep into the night about economix, socialigamy and poly-sigh. I hope you can keep up!