Lady of the night my bed is wanting! Your loins scream like a dungeon that has been vacant too long, a heaven-less rattle echoes throughout your hollow sarcophagus and I wish none more than to enter that tomb like an explorer of timeless wisdom and unearth the artifacts of lore. Take me, my lady, I am the white knight that you have sung sweet nightingale verse, the savior of your inner desires, the viking ship set forth to plunge deep into your sensual layers, using my brute strength to extract every. inch. of. your. pleasure. My lady, I have longed for you like a sailor longs for a crisp wind to bring him across his last stretch of sea to the accolades of his people. Alas, my ship has been pushed back by crashing waves and I've disappeared into the hold falling into a dark, dark slumber. It twas the light of your song that woke me, that snagged my soul on the rhythm of your delicate notes. I submit to you my requests and with great anticipation await your simple kiss.
On a real note, I was thinking we could meet at Applebee's to feel eachother out, let me know if this works for you ;) Mark
Ehem, JJ?! The illustrious night in shining armor aka "James Joseph" or the last poster is my husband! He usually goes by JJ, but I guess he is now James Joseph perhaps to hide his identity? I don't know about James Joseph, but JJ is an alcoholic and a cheater. He used the fact that I was at home with our son as fuel to go out to the bar and not come home for two days. At first when we were dating he was the one that wanted to have kids and he straight up told me that he wanted me to be a stay-at-home mom. I dropped out of school to do so and when he got bored with me this was an easy out for him.
Please adopt my husband and make this an easy transition for him. Poor guy has to work while the mother of his child stays at home :( He's been forced into a relationship against his will (evidently). He needs someone to nurture him due to the nurturing he was intentionally avoiding (but nonetheless still not getting, ya know?) Hi son is on the verge of forgetting him so it would be nice if there was someone, anyone, out there to give his ego the recognition it deserves. I feel bad for the guy, I really do.
James Joseph is my name, I'm fresh out of a divorce, but there was nothing fresh about the marriage itself. My ex stayed home with our son while I worked and paid the bills. She really didn't do shit except watch Dr. Phil and go on Reddit. We never had any money cause of her and I RARELY ever bought anything for myself. Now she is in the house with our son and I'm paying alimony and child support because she deserves it. Okay, your honor. Anyway, enough about me, tell me about yourself. What kind of things do you like? Please don't say you are a blogger, my ex was also a big time blogger and that's a major turn off. Also, if you are crafty or take five hours to get ready to go out forget it. Or if you are just basically insane...I'm out. I'm looking for the opposite of my ex who's just the definition of "Cunt" in the dictionary.
I'm a great guy. I certainly don't deserve to be walked on like I was. I may make myself susceptible to being a doormat and that's something I need to work on. It would nice to be with a partner who will allow me to be myself without making me feel ashamed of my character defects. I don't want the things I've done to be thrown in my face like Missy was doing. Looking for a mature relationship where you aren't talking to your girlfriends about OUR problems. If you are that mature person, IM me and lets see where this goes.
What I can bring to the table is a creamy cup of soup...you bring the dessert...chocolate souffle. Mmmmmm, I'm getting an appetite just thinking about a marbled cake simply dripping chocolate. If you like ding dongs with custard in the middle or your cookies oreo'd then we can make beautiful recipes together. I have a tiny red Fiat, but I know how to drive a big biiiIIIIiiiiggg ole black Cadillac. My favorite place to swim is in muddy waters. My favorite coffee is dark. If you have a black picture frame then I have some white molding. Sorry, never mind that last one -picture frames aren't sexy. If you have a black sexy suit coat than I got a white hanger. I don't mean that I'm going to support you like a hanger. That might imply I'm really thin, which I'm not. Maybe I should have said if you got a black glove I'd be the perfect fit. On second thought black gloves not a good comparison.
Listen, if you're a black guy, I'm a white girl into black guys. I don't even like coffee honestly and I'm on a keto diet so I don't eat cake or cookies. I'm a clean freak and swimming in mud sounds absolutely disgusting.
I do know how to drive a big black Caddie, however.
Hi, I'm Mandy and I am a personal trainer at Grace Fitness, the Christian Gym. If you haven't heard of it, it's like a regular gym, but instead of tight clothing we wear sweats and all the music we play is about God. There's nothing more motivating then singing about the blood of the holy lamb while doing squats. Some people don't think God had an opinion about physical fitness and to them I quote Isaiah 40:31 "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew [their] strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; [and] they shall walk, and not faint."
My worship is a little different than some. I actually am part of an online congregation where I have an avatar that looks like Sheena Easton and we go into a chapel and listen to the preacher. They don't have a sit function yet so the avatars wander around mostly having little conversation while the preacher, who looks like Charlton Heston moves his mouth almost in sync with the sermon. There's a pulpit and all the noobs hang out there and think it's funny to wave their arms insanely and crouch up and down real fast. Last Sunday a guy dressed as a vampire/rooster was pretending to eat the preachers head while singing "Insane in the Membrane". If it keeps going this way where people are not respecting the board I'm not sure what I'm going to do.
I thought I might meet a guy on this site and the one dude that I was corresponding with for some time JesusSaves96021 ended up being a married man with five kids and a wife going through chemotherapy. Obviously that didn't work out and I'm trying not to believe that every guy that dresses as Sponge Bob in a Pinstripe Suit (his avatar) is going to be like that. Please be a good guy and a real Christian. Excited to bang out some Zumba with you to "Nothing But The Blood".
My name is Mark and I just got out of a five year relationship. Can't wait to get into another one...so I can cheat again. Can't cheat if I'm single, can't cheat if I'm alone, the only way is if I find another loving sucker that I can commit to being non-commital with. Don't judge it's just my preference. I'm cheat-sexual. Maybe your homo queer or tranny fluid, I'm cheat-sexual. I'm like an emotional rapist engaging in a non-consentual menage-a-trois. I know, it sounds prrrretty romantic doesn't it?
Looking for the "apple of my eye" and "One and only" to cheat on. I promise with all my heart to go the extra mile to make you feel as if you are the only one for me. The good news is, the more I cheat, the more I lather it on. I will make you honestly feel as if things are too good to be true. And that feeling will be real so what else matters, we both get what we want.
I'm looking for a girl that has at least one blind eye, if not two.
God, I thought poop was bad. Listen, this might be the last time I post. Shane here. Remember me, the guy that decided to get daring and take a dook from a kook? Dessert is best served hot? Well, Almond Joy has nuts and so do mounds...that is thee truth. Yeah, I found out the hard way that although I may be the most interesting man in the world I don't want to spend my Saturday nights getting deus equi'd. So I switched to the traditional golden showers, seemed innocent enough. I got an overwhelming response. Get this, out of the thirty or so responses I got, picked a lady with a bladder the size of a large Camelback....felt like I was getting water boarded by ISIS. Aim was shit too, like a blind three legged dog trying to hit a fire hydrant and spraying the whole yard.
Maybe there's some guys that find a pot of gold at the end of that rainbow, I found a pot of can't breath with a side of inner ear infection. Yeah, she pee'd in my ear too. Don't know what anyone thinks they're gonna get, piss is veeeeerrrryyyyy unpredictable, let me tell you. Anyway, to each his own, but my own is no secretions, projections or expulsions.
On that note, I am looking for a beautiful, conservative lady to take to dinner and have a good old fashion time. Christians please apply.
I'm thinkin' bout gettin' my prorities straight and goin legal with a name change either Scooter Boot or Scoot Boot. Feel free to weigh in on whatcha think might sound more sphisticated. Got a sports injury when I tore the tendon on my right foot and whereas most sports injuries involve some kind of sport, I was simply driving a front end loader...loaded. Next thing I know got my foot at a ninety degree angle on my friend Rottweiler "Dumps" Nelson's captain seat in the F10. Didn't have a cast so we stuck muh whole leg in a industrial size wrapping paper tube. Next day I was ridin' a Rascal Scooter AND had a big ole boot...tuh boot! Hence came muh name.
Even though I've had a serious of mishaps (can't seem to shake this darned thing, if it's not droppin' an 18 pack of keystones on muh toes, it's drivin' full force into an aluminum shed cause I fell asleep on the "drive" button) doesn't mean I can't be on the look out for love. I know puttin' myself out there is gonna jam up the network's, don't all respond at once, but I will get to each and every one of ya. My friend and attorney Don "Stingman" Miller said I could get a discount on divorce papers if I get just one more this year, he'll do it for free. If you know me, you know I'm always up for a dare. Nywayz, like I said take yer time, might be a minute, but I will respond, rain or shine, lame or blind, talk soon!
Some marriages have the arrangement where the mother works and the father stays at home. Well, I’m looking for a unique relationship with an even greater level of commitment. I’m hoping to be the worker, the one who takes on all the stress in return for your almost debilitating commitment. If you already have a disability that prevents you from easily getting around (or away) that’s even better. In my ideal relationship the man never leaves the bed, he spends his days watching back-to-back Simpsons episodes, yelling at the kids to “stop doing whatever you’re doing!” from the bed and when I get home there’s the sweet smell of sweat, bacon and poop permeating the air. A typical weekend might involve a few sightings of you in the living room with your Jersey shorts and bacon stained wife beater scratching the back of your neck and asking “So, whatcha got goin on today?” As I begin to tell you about my plans, mid-answer you interrupt and announce, “okay, well, I’m goin’ back to bed.” Since you own fifty pairs of Jersey shorts and somehow manage to wear them all in a weeks time there’s always bonus work for me to do when I get home. On the plus side I throw out all the ones with poop smears or holes in the crotch and it cuts down the workload SIGNIFICANTLY. Occasionally, I’ll notice you are in the bathroom because it sounds like someone is watching Gladiator or that movie 300. Your humor will primarily revolve around bathroom humor, for instance downing a can of beans while in bed than farting and asking “Too soon?” As far as our sex life there’s nothing hotter than doing it doggie style and realizing your hand is on a smooshed mac and cheese sandwich or feeling the sharpness of Pringles underneath your kneecap. I know it’s hard to imagine this kind of arrangement since it’s pretty cutting edge…just think Charlie and the Chocolate factory Uncle Joe on tranquilizers.
It’s a tall order and in this society where it’s customary for men to work and women to stay at home, to have a woman work and have a man do jack shit and be generally disgusting is pushing the norms. I basically would like to be that chick that every guy wants. I tried to do that with makeup, by being super skinny and eventually resorting to getting an education. Finally, I’ve discovered how to be what every man wants and in turn I get what I want, crippling loyalty.
I'm a bi-sexual man in my late 60's, an eccentric, who is looking for a man or a woman that wants to get back to some vintage kinks. Remember when we used to play a good game of corn horn? Or dingle dongle with a side of butt chips...that was great fun! What about old man dingle stix, raw potato breath or honeycomb butt shooters. I know, compared to what the kids are doing now this is all very mild, but it used to work for us so why wouldn't it now? Even just for nostalgia sake.
Some of the new positions are straight up intimidating: The Mannheimen Steamroller, Cleveland dumps, Screwnicorn's, Duck Dy-Nasty's. I don't even have the agility or strength to perform some of these. Last time I had an orgy, I had to hold a diagram I'd printed from the net and even then...hours later...couldn't figure it out and we all ended up watching old Jeopardy reruns and eating Pizza rolls.
If you are interested in playing antique roadshow, sex position edition, give me a ring. Oh, yeah, don't have landlines anymore...send me a text.