Some marriages have the arrangement where the mother works and the father stays at home. Well, I’m looking for a unique relationship with an even greater level of commitment. I’m hoping to be the worker, the one who takes on all the stress in return for your almost debilitating commitment. If you already have a disability that prevents you from easily getting around (or away) that’s even better. In my ideal relationship the man never leaves the bed, he spends his days watching back-to-back Simpsons episodes, yelling at the kids to “stop doing whatever you’re doing!” from the bed and when I get home there’s the sweet smell of sweat, bacon and poop permeating the air. A typical weekend might involve a few sightings of you in the living room with your Jersey shorts and bacon stained wife beater scratching the back of your neck and asking “So, whatcha got goin on today?” As I begin to tell you about my plans, mid-answer you interrupt and announce, “okay, well, I’m goin’ back to bed.” Since you own fifty pairs of Jersey shorts and somehow manage to wear them all in a weeks time there’s always bonus work for me to do when I get home. On the plus side I throw out all the ones with poop smears or holes in the crotch and it cuts down the workload SIGNIFICANTLY. Occasionally, I’ll notice you are in the bathroom because it sounds like someone is watching Gladiator or that movie 300. Your humor will primarily revolve around bathroom humor, for instance downing a can of beans while in bed than farting and asking “Too soon?” As far as our sex life there’s nothing hotter than doing it doggie style and realizing your hand is on a smooshed mac and cheese sandwich or feeling the sharpness of Pringles underneath your kneecap. I know it’s hard to imagine this kind of arrangement since it’s pretty cutting edge…just think Charlie and the Chocolate factory Uncle Joe on tranquilizers.
It’s a tall order and in this society where it’s customary for men to work and women to stay at home, to have a woman work and have a man do jack shit and be generally disgusting is pushing the norms. I basically would like to be that chick that every guy wants. I tried to do that with makeup, by being super skinny and eventually resorting to getting an education. Finally, I’ve discovered how to be what every man wants and in turn I get what I want, crippling loyalty.
Photo by Julian O’hayon on Unsplash